Everything is Not Always Hearts and Flowers

Today is Valentine’s Day.  The Catholic Church recognizes three saints named Valentine/Valentinus (a little history/theology lesson).  One of those “Valentines” apparently continued to perform marriages after an Emporer outlawed marriage because he felt single men made better soldiers. We will probably never know if that is how Valentine’s Day came to be known as a holiday associated with love. If you search the internet, you will find a plethora of speculation about this holiday. For some people, it is just another day.  For others, it is about romance and roses.  And for even others, it is about genuine love for families and friends.

I have never been a sappy romantic. I have always liked Lilies better than Roses.  I am not a big fan of chocolate (I am probably going to get my “girly girl card” revoked for saying that). And I prefer those fits of hysterical laughter and teasing between my husband and me to candlelit champagne dinners where we gaze into each other’s eyes. Let’s be honest, after almost 18 years together, that kind of thing wears off.  It is replaced by a deeper love, which gives a sense of comfort and security, and knowing you ALWAYS have a date for Saturday night.  It is replaced with the knowledge that there is one person in this world made just for you that will always have your back, will agree with you even when you contradict yourself, and will wipe the tears from your eyes when a parent dies, when a friendship ends, when your children are sick, when you have just had a bad day at work or school. It is the face that you know you want to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life.  It is the person who accepts you and you accept them, flaws and all... when you are decked out in sweatpants, hair all a mess, scrubbing the toilet… this person will walk in and tell you that you are beautiful. And you ACTUALLY feel like you are, as long as you don’t get a glimpse of yourself in the mirror at that moment!!!

So today, on this day, whatever your plans may be…take a minute to love deeper, speak sweeter, and give the forgiveness you’ve been denying. Be the husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/mother/father/brother/sister/FRIEND you might not always be, but the one you would like to have.  Make today worthwhile and if you can't be with the one you love, then at least love the one you're with.

♥

The Race to Freeze Time

Today, as I was finishing up my work day and organizing tonight’s homework, notes and books, I realized that I am over halfway done with the race toward my degree.  (When you are 40, everything is a race, in case you are curious about that analogy.  Simply an analogy, as anyone who truly knows me will know three famous words of mine, “I DON’T run!”  In fact, if you went to high school with me, you might understand that races are not for me, considering I don’t think I even knew our school had a gym until graduation!)  It is a slightly bittersweet feeling.  The overachiever in me wants to be done and put the degree to good use.  But there is this other part of me that just wants time to stop.  I had a job a few years ago that I did not care for as much as I should have.  During the few years I worked there, a co-worker and I had a saying, “Let’s just freeze Sunday.”  There are days that I feel that way about classes and my current situation in life, why can’t we just freeze time?  Not so much just Sundays but life in general.  I am lucky to feel this way, as so many people want a rewind button or a do-over option in life.  Not me. Not on this day.  So even though my to-do list keeps getting longer, and my patience with it often gets shorter, I don’t have much to complain about. 

Tuesdays are perhaps the longest days in the history of the world for me these days.  I get up, take kids to school, go to the gym, go to work, try to squeeze in a little cleaning and homework, then off to my night class, home to eat dinner and maybe if I am lucky a little bit of sleep.  Make the most of your day today people reading this blog.  Treat yourself to a _ _ _waffle today and today put some extra syrup on it.  Have a good one. 

Slow Down, Take a Deep Breath...

The first few weeks of the semester always seem like a walk in the park.  You are getting to know your new instructors, understanding expectations, possibly meeting new classmates.  It usually takes a few weeks to get into that comfort zone, and in some classes, you just never have it.  However, as we get into the 3^rd and 4^th weeks of school, we suddenly find ourselves inundated with homework, studying, obsessing over upcoming quizzes and presentations.  Like anything in life, if you blink your eyes, you will miss this moment.  There are times I find it difficult to focus, because the whole time this whole world of academia is spinning, LIFE is happening.  This semester, I am mostly taking online classes, due to increased work hours as well as the craziness of having 18 year old twin sons who need moms help planning for the future and a daughter who is on the threshold of her teenage years. I am discovering payback for all of the moodiness I projected onto my own mother as a pre-teen and teen.  Thank you mom for putting up with me. I love you and yes, now I know what you meant by those famous words, “Just wait until YOU have kids!”

The thing is, I really wouldn’t want it any other way, yet I feel the need to slow down and breathe lately.  (If you have seen me lately, you might think to yourself “Um yea, I get it.  Considering you are walking around wearing your glasses for the past week, we see you have SLOWED down enough not to even put your contact lenses in.”  Actually I have some eye infection going on, which incidentally my sister has too…. possibly a genetic disorder that causes us both to break appliances and have ailments at the same time.  Maybe we should just sit back and wait for the locusts to arrive.) I am making the choice to stop and take in everything around me and appreciate what I have, what I have been through, and what has made me what I am today.  Sometimes I spend so much time looking forward, that I miss the opportunity to live in the moment.  I am going on vacation in six weeks and I am promising myself not to spend the whole time taking photographs.  Rather than being focused on capturing every moment in a photograph or written words, I am going to try and just LIVE IT.  So maybe I can find a way to do that in “real life” as well.  Ok, not that I am taking photos of everything in my life, it’s just kind of an analogy.  Gosh, I AM doing that now that I think about it!!!  What is wrong with me?? The point is every moment shouldn’t be a story to tell, but instead a story to LIVE.  

This Too Shall Pass

As we get older, we make promises to ourselves to avoid the drama of life.  Some of those promises also include not being the cause of drama, however as humans we are all flawed.  As a result, we always hurt the ones we love the most.  Going back to school after a 20+ year reprieve often causes me to regress to my teenage self.  Maybe that and the fact that my mom lives with me and still treats me like a teenager at times.  She does this out of love, however, I can’t help becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy some days of my life.  Selfish, immature, self-centered, short tempered and just plain disrespectful are some of the qualities I have at times that make me cringe.  These are not the qualities one might expect to find in a future Paralegal who is already employed in a law office, much less a mother of three well-adjusted, polite and loving children.  Yet I must confess, those qualities sometimes overtake me like the devil overtook Linda Blair in the movie, “The Exorcist”.  (Thankfully, I haven’t had any incidents of my head spinning wildly and spitting up pea soup but you can appreciate the analogy.) 

The thing is, it’s really difficult to look at ourselves objectively.  Those rare moments that we do, we can all find things that we don’t like about ourselves.  Believe me, no one is going to point those traits out to you.  This is not because they don’t notice.  Oh, they do. And they are annoyed with you and frustrated and hurt by you.  Yet, most people will take the higher road, and keep it to themselves… at least until they get home and can vent to their unsuspecting significant other about it.   Your boss is only going to give you constructive criticism in regard to your work performance.  Your teachers/instructors will do he same in regard to your academic performance and professionalism.  Your husband or wife knows better than to point these things out.  Your family will just shake their heads and say to themselves, “Well that’s just how she is sometimes. It will pass.”  And it will… But sometimes it takes a friend, that one friend you have who believes in brutal honestly, to get you to take a look deep inside yourself and want to become a better person.  Now, I am not talking about just being a nice, caring and generous person.  We all do that, and much of the time it is out of guilt or to redeem ourselves for our shortcomings.  Kindness that comes from deep in our heart nearly always has a hidden agenda. 

I want to become a better person without having to learn it from experience.  I often don’t listen and just sit around and wait for it to slap me in the face.  And because of this I have regrets.  So this week, in between all of the homework and hoopla of the new semester starting and the pressure to overachieve, I am going to try to look deep inside of myself and think about those brutally honest words of that one friend.  Instead of making excuses for myself and focusing on what I interpret as negative, I am going to soak up the rays of positivity that I can find and use them to my advantage.  Maybe if I do that, I will never have to wallow in regret for my actions or words.  And maybe, just maybe, from this point on I can avoid those “this too shall pass” moments. 

... the rest is still unwritten

This week marked the official start of on campus classes for me.  I am taking mostly online classes so it was really good to be back in a classroom setting.  Even though I knew no one in my Civil Litigation class, I felt far more at ease than I did last year at this time.  I possess far more confidence than I did last year, which is probably partially due to the fact that I have a kick - - - GPA, employment in a law office, and probably at that moment an inflated ego, due to the fact that my personal unpaid therapist and gym buddy who is near and dear to my heart, told me how awesome I was five minutes before the class started!! I have one other class on campus, which starts next week on Tuesday nights, Employment Law, which I imagine will be filled with familiar faces.   As for online classes, let me tell you people, you must be self-disciplined and practice major time management skills for these. Take it from the girl who was submitting assignments at 10pm last night that were due by midnight.  Although now that football season is over in Titletown, Sunday is going to be homework day!!!

Now I know I talked all big about my disdain for New Year’s Resolutions, and how I was going to forego them this year, as I never stick to them.  Well, I lied. Sort of.  I have taken “baby steps” in the form of making Planet Fitness my second home and vowing to use a hairdryer every day of my life from this point on.  I have also taken steps towards becoming a more positive person and surrounding myself with others who do the same.  So if you know me and notice anything different, please respect the fact that for once in my life I am choosing not to “announce it”.  Sometimes the quiet changes that you just ease into are the ones that make the biggest difference.  I keep telling myself change is good.... so I have been switching it up a bit. I am no longer obsessed with parking in spot number 28 at work (claiming it as MY parking spot) and using the elliptical machine in the second row on the end every day. Maybe if I park in a different spot every day and use a different piece of equipment for my work out needs, I can learn to get my feet out of the quicksand and embrace a life that is ever-changing.

Since I am working many more hours at this point, I wanted to close this post by saying hello weekend; it’s good to be back, I have missed you so much!

Here We Go Again...

The past few days have seemed like the last days of summer vacation. Only today… with the snow… it was more like the last days of summer in the Antarctic. Or wherever there might be snow year round.  My first on campus class does not start until next Wednesday morning, though I have already started two online classes as of today. And since I have been fortunate enough to find employment in a law firm this past August, I also will have my paralegal internship credit.  Last year at this time, I was scared and excited and a little bit full of myself. This year, I am a bit more humble, grounded and a much kinder human being, thanks to the people I surround myself with.  The last week before the start of classes has been a bit anti-climactic, as I got all of my “college break” fun out of my system last week. (Ok, I am 40, so probably not as scandalous as the average college student, but nonetheless, good times.) 

Because at my age, I often need to focus on what lies ahead instead of what will be left behind. In NWTC years, I am practically a “senior”, yet it seems not too long ago that I walked into a Thursday afternoon Legal Computer Applications class, scared to death, and walked away a year later with a “second daughter” (Leah) and a friend who happens to live only 3 blocks from my house (Kelly).  Tomorrow morning at 9:30am, it will be one year since I walked into the dreaded College Math course.  I say dreaded because my last math experience occurred in 1988, so I was more than a bit rusty.  In fact, prior to taking the Accuplacer test to get accepted into my program, I spent a few hours at the kitchen table having my own teenage children hopelessly try to explain simple algebra to me – Thank you Mack and Cody!! One year later I can say that College Math class not only helped me to improve my math skills, but also walking into the kind of crowded class you only find on the first day, is someone who I now call one of my best friends, my fellow ninja, and the only person that I would ever allow to share the most selfish days on earth  - July 14^th, OUR birthday (Alicia).  And then Fall semester, not exactly hip on the whole "ice breaker – put us in groups" scenario, I also came to know another amazing person in my Family Law class (Kathi) who knows and has worked with one of my closest friends in the world (Laurie). 

So as I go forward and name names – I want to also apologize to my Wednesday morning “how did we get from happy hour to coffee talk” people (Sara, Mindy and the others) for not being able to participate this year. Honestly ladies, you gave me a reason to ditch the sweatpants and sometimes, though rarely, use a hairdryer and break out the makeup!  I wish I could join you, but we may have to return to happy hour, which often consists of a two hour time block in someone’s basement.  I feel this year will be full of success. As I sit at my kitchen table and listen to the sounds of my home right now, including a few of you who won’t be here at this time next year, all I can do is look ahead to the future, and be thankful for the past, as it has made me the person I have become today.

That said, let the classes begin!!! 

A Pretty Good Year

I typically try not to steal anyone’s words.  Yet the people in my life are full of such wise and humorous and genuinely true statements, that often it is difficult NOT to do just that.  With that thought in mind, I have to quote one my very dearest friend’s statement from yesterday.  “Everything that happened last night slowly fades as quickly as the first day of the year! And the New Year doesn’t 'really' start till tomorrow! After all of last year’s, and last night’s excitement just blows away in today's snow storm!”  It wasn’t exactly a snowstorm, and it wasn’t exactly a dramatic year or New Year for me, for the most part at least. (I am actually going to plead the fifth on this one because those of you who know me really well probably could cite a few instances of my not so fine moments of 2011.) But on some level those words seem to ring so true as I reflect upon the past year of my life.  At this time last year I was looking forward to taking a whole new path in my life.  I was nervous about going back to school after 20 years in the work world.  I was also excited at the prospect of an entirely new career path. When I was little, I always told people I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up.  I like to argue and debate things, and I always win – well, at least in my own mind, though I am pretty positive if everyone I have ever argued with could comment on this, you would think I have a pretty skewed viewpoint of myself.  So not being prepared to finish my bachelor’s degree and spend years in law school, not to mention coming out of it severely in debt, I had made the decision to enter the Paralegal program at NWTC to obtain my Associate’s Degree.  One year into it, I consider it a wise move. I am proud to be where I am today and as each day passes, for once in my life I truly look forward to the next.

In the past year, I have learned the fine art of balancing school, work, home and family and still managed to have a decent social life for a woman of my age.  Though I am not quite ready to play Bingo at a nursing home, I am not quite as social as I used to be.  In the past year, I have also opened myself up to meeting new people.  I went into it with a somewhat closed mind (I know right??? Can you imagine that? Me? Closed mind? Impossible!)  I had the attitude that I would succeed in school, and develop professional relationships and contacts with my new instructors and classmates.  I had plenty of friends. I didn't need any more, nor did I have time for any more! Well, life doesn’t always turn out as planned.  Looking back at much of the past year, I ask myself, “Well, how did THAT happen?”  Not in a bad way, but in that pleasant surprise kind of way.  Not only did I make professional contacts and develop those relationships with instructors and classmates, I have also made some genuine friendships, and renewed a few of my old ones.  This year, with those friends, I have seen babies born, parents pass away, one of the sweetest people I know walk down the aisle, and relationships develop in their lives.  I stood by some of those friends through break-ups and make-ups.  I have seen them find new jobs, let go of old ones, and develop new goals without losing the spirit of who they are.

In 2011, I laughed a lot, cried a little, and looked further forward than I have ever been able to do before.  For my family, for those of you who are near and dear friends to me, and for those of you I don’t know very well, but might find myself coming to know in the future, may 2012 bring you much success, peace and happiness. Happy New Year.