I could say that I am a "victim" of a sub-prime predatory zero down payment mortgages that banks were handing out like candy at a parade a few years ago. I am a victim of being promised that anyone, yes anyone, even those with a not so stellar credit history who don't possess enough cash to make a 10% down payment, deserves to live the American Dream, which at that time meant home ownership. My mortgage broker promised me that I had nothing to worry about, we would "make it work." He suggested that on my husband and my mutual payday, we transfer all of our funds into a savings account for just a few days before using it to pay bills (as those of us who live paycheck to paycheck must do on payday) and he would have the lender pull our bank information in that short window so that it would appear we had that 2-3 month reserves required by the lender. So of course, wanting to be a part of this amazing American Dream that all grown ups seemed to want, I did as I was told. Side note: prior to this I could not even commit to buying new furniture, content with hand me downs because a new couch was far too large of a lifelong commitment.
So was I a victim of a predatory mortgage? Or perhaps I was just a victim of my own stupidity? I am a smart woman and common sense should have told me that I was in no financial position to do a zero down loan with a mortgage payment far too high for the home I was purchasing. Was I a victim of my own senseless spending when money seemed endless, the economy seemed so great, and we could only be moving on up from here? Probably a little bit of both. It is easy to lay the blame on what we all know is the truth of what happened in those years and what the result of that is... And though I was promised via a television speech one evening that I would no longer have to lie in bed and worry about how to pay my mortgage, the processes put in place were so convoluted and tedious and repetitive with no actual results, that I finally gave up and gave in. I stopped trying, because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. To try to save a home that I am not even really that attached to seems ridiculous. My emotions that surface when I realize in less than 60 days I will be leaving that house, have less to do with the actual structure, the real property, than they do the "home" part of it, which is about the PEOPLE who lived inside of that building and the memories we made. All of that could have easily happened with a different background. The house is simply a backdrop to our lives, but it isn't what made my family what it has been and what it is.
If I am honest with myself, I can admit that I have failed. I am not good at budgeting. My husband loves me enough to never throw it back in my face, as I was the CFO of our household. However, we both know it is true. Although we are both having a tough time with it, we must look ahead to a new chapter in our lives and learn from not only our mistakes, but the mistakes of that mortgage broker who promised us something we weren't prepared to live with, which wasn't the American Dream, it was being "house poor." Even though we will likely be moving to "cozier" quarters soon, in the form of a duplex or maybe even an apartment, we need to see it as an adventure. (Even though most people, like my nephew, don't like adventures unless they involve pirates or dinosaurs... this will be good for us. Change is good.) So as we choose our new place to live, we can't go in with non-negotiables. Everyone will not be 100% happy. The art of compromise again - everyone is a little bit happy, everyone is a little bit miserable. The important part is that we will have each other and we will still have a lot of love in our lives.
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