The Angels Are Singing

This is possibly the most difficult blog post I have written.  I had intentions of writing it yesterday but I don’t think I was in the right place emotionally to do that.  Even today, each time I think there is something that I need to write, I go to my computer and read a few more news articles about yesterday’s shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut, and find myself in tears.  The more I read, the harder it actually gets to write something that makes sense in the midst of a senseless act.  Although I have been known to do the opposite in the past, recently I have tried to find a positive message, even in the worst situations imaginable.  What could be positive about innocent children losing their lives?  A senseless act.  Since first hearing of what occurred, I have had a continuous fast forward loop in my head of not only my own children at elementary school age, but also the kindergarteners that I spent time with, volunteering at a local elementary school a few years ago.  The childlike innocence and wonder.  The enthusiasm for discovering the world.  The openness and kindness and pure hearts that have not yet become jaded and cynical by this thing we call life.  I haven’t talked to many people about how this has affected me, because each time I think of it, or hear or read one more news report, I feel that lump in my throat, forcing tears out of my eyes to roll down my cheeks… I literally feel as if I am choking on my own sorrowful emotions.  The sadness for lives lost, for Christmas presents that will go unopened and for the pain that no parent should ever have to endure, the loss of a child. 

We also need to remember the others, those who lost their lives, and those who lived, all of them heroes.  The adults who found themselves helpless, in an uncontrollable situation, trying to protect the children that these parents entrusted them with on a daily basis.  A principal who tried to overtake a gunman. A teacher, who hid the children in her classroom in cabinets and closets, telling the gunman the children were in the gym, only to lose her own life.  Another teacher, who saved the lives of the children in her charge by barricading herself and the entire class in a bathroom, making sure to tell them that she loved each and every one of them, trying not cry, just wanting to be sure that if that was the last thing those kids ever heard, they knew they were loved.  The little boy who told that same teacher “It’s ok, I know karate, I can lead us out of here past the bad guys.”  A librarian, who brought children into a storage room, calm enough to find paper and crayons so in order to keep them distracted from the fear they might otherwise have. 

I don’t know if there will ever be an explanation to satisfy all of our questions about why this happened.  Even those of us with ironclad faith that God has a plan, no matter what happens, His plan surpasses all human understanding, find it difficult to make sense of this.  I realize that what I am saying is similar to everything you have heard already.  Though I have asked God to bless me with some wisdom to share that might help at least one person to find peace in this tragic situation, I still find myself without any unique or magical words.  And even though you have continuously heard this over the past day and a half, I will say it all again.  Take the time to give some extra hugs every day, not only to your children, but also to anyone important in your life.  Make sure that no matter what, through struggles and arguments, and even when you are angry that you ALWAYS say “I love you.”  Remember to show gratitude and appreciation to those whom you entrust with the care of your children…. And even when you don’t agree with teachers of your children, parents of the children you teach, friends of your children, parents of your children’s friends and even your own children  - try to remember how fortunate you are to have those people in your life and how none of those disagreeable emotions would matter if you had to experience first-hand what those in Newtown, Connecticut went through yesterday. 

God bless the new Angels and Saints in Heaven, who now watch over us.   

Goodbyes and Hello to New Adventures

The end of the semester is drawing near and we are all wrapping up final assignments/projects and hoping to get them completed early so we can get a start on the Christmas season.  However, my mind has been elsewhere lately.  On Monday, I took my son Mack down to Milwaukee to drop him off to ship off to the Air Force.  (Thank you thank you thank you for the moral support and driving skills while a mama had a meltdown to my/our very very very awesome, magnificent and outstanding friend who accompanied us.  I love you to the moon and back for being there; knowing the right things to say to keep the conversation positive and provide us with laughter on what might have otherwise been a real downer of a trip!)  Mack stayed in a hotel on Monday night, did his final “stuff” – height and weight check, contract signing and sworn in to active duty – at the Military Entrance Processing Station (MEPS) on Tuesday morning.  By noon on Tuesday, I received a text from him that he was on his way to the airport to fly down to San Antonio.  Relief knowing that his crazy metabolism did not cause him to lose too much weight overnight and he made the minimum.  I personally have no clue where he got that from because I definitely do not suffer from an overactive metabolism myself!  Many texts later, after 10pm at night, he told me he was in San Antonio, on the bus to Basic Training.  Heading into 8 weeks – 44 working days - of getting his butt kicked for a kid who grew up with the most easy going mom with very few rules and a lot of love.  I am sure he can count on one hand how many times I have actually yelled at him in the past 19 years.  Tuesday afternoon I received a phone call from him and it was great to hear his voice.  He sounded good and said it was not as bad as he expected – so far – that no one was too mean … so far.  Though I understand this is called Zero Week and the worst is upcoming over the next two weeks.  At the point I spoke to him, he had not yet gotten his head shaved, hair he has not cut for almost a year which has turned into this crazy curly thick mess usually hidden under a knit beanie type hat worn even in summer, hair which he figured at least added one pound to his weight.

My son signed into the Air Force for 6 years, so although we will fly to Texas and see him at his Graduation from Basic Training, he will be off to Air Force Tech School immediately after that (not sure where, but not likely close to home) and then stationed somewhere (hopefully) fabulous so that he can start the adventure of real life.  He will likely make a career out of this, meaning it is highly unlikely he will ever be back home for longer than a few weeks of leave, and it is unlikely he will ever call Green Bay, Wisconsin his home again.  As I am typing this, I am shedding a few tears at that thought.  If you are reading this and your children are still young, believe me when I say “you’re gonna miss this.”  What led up to his decision to join the military was not an easy road.  Both of my sons (and my daughter) are extremely intelligent.  Mack probably has a genius IQ.  However, if the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, Mack will zig-zag and take the long way around to get there.  He could score 100% on exams in high school, but refused to do homework because he felt it was a waste of time if he already knew and understood the material.  I have a crystal clear memory of sitting in the parking lot of West High School on an early morning in the Fall of 2009, after practically dragging him out of bed to get him to go to school, both of us crying.  I was asking him to tell me what I could do to help him, because as a parent I truly needed to help him to be successful and have a successful future, and whatever I was doing at that point clearly was not working.  So Mack went into several different alternative programs that he was probably far too intelligent for (night school, CESA) and did what he had to.  When he told me he wanted to drop out of the CESA program, I fought as hard as I could to get him into the GED2 program at West which would allow him to study for and take the GED/HSED tests fully paid by the school district and still receive a West High Diploma.  We knew this along with the other alternative programs meant he would not have a GPA on his high school transcripts, something a four year college would not accept unless he went to a 2 year school, such as NWTC.  He completed and passed all of the GED tests with honors (I believe this a 95% or higher score on each test) within 4 weeks.  We initially discussed him attending NWTC, however, as a student there myself, I knew that meant a lot of homework.  Since he was not exactly on board with this whole homework situation, he brought up his desire to join the military.  Since he was very young he had thought of being in the military, but now he was really going to do it. After investigating several branches of the military, he chose the Air Force.  As a parent, I asked him over and over if he was sure this is what he wanted to do.  Over the past months leading up to him leaving, each time he “wanted to talk” to me, I had concerns that he had changed his mind.  However, he committed to it and he has followed through… and now as I am writing this he is about to endure the worst 8 weeks of his life, yet I know he understands it is all worth it.  It seems like the past 19 years were as short as one day, and suddenly you are all grown up.  Son, although I miss you like only a mother could miss a child (feels something like my heart being ripped out of my chest when I am folding up your Pokemon blanket you have slept with since you were 6 years old and putting it away in a closet),  you make me proud and I love you. 

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security and conformity, which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.  The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure.  The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day, to have a new and different sun."   -  Christopher McCandeless, "Into the Wild"

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is less than a week away and though many people are focused on opening gun/deer hunting weekend aka deer hunting widow's weekend, Black Friday shopping, or a few much needed days off of work, I would like everyone to take some time to consider what you are thankful for in your life this year.  Since most of the big holidays occur at the end of the calendar year, it seems to be a good time to reflect on the past 12 months.  One year is 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes or 31,536,000 seconds.  That is a lot of time to consider.  Many families have a tradition to go around the Thanksgiving dinner table and take turns stating what they are thankful for.  In recent years, the downturn of our economy has likely changed what we are thankful for.  No longer are we thankful for material possessions, expensive vacations, and a six figure income - the things we are thankful for are often things we cannot put a price tag on.  Some of us are thankful to be working at all, even if it at a minimum wage job or two jobs.  

I asked some friends to tell me what they are thankful for this year, so before I get into my own list of "giving thanks",  I would like to share some of their responses:

" I am thankful for my family ...but im also thankful for facebook cause in the least year alone i have found alot of people that i normally would not see on a regular basis and to find them well and to catch up on old times or family that is in other parts of the state that i get to either talk to or just read what they are up to....cause nowadays you just don't know what can happen from day to day....one day they are here and the next they are gone. I have had a lot happen in the last year."

"My savior, my family, my health, and the world for it is our play ground."

"my kids, first and foremost. but i am sooo thankful for my family and friends. and I am really thankful for my ex husband. He really showed me what i DONT deserve, and from that, I became independent. hahahahahaaaa."

"I'm thankful for a roof over my head, food in my belly, a job, parents & a brother that i love dearly."

What am I personally thankful for this year?  My beautiful, intelligent and healthy children. My husband who is the hardest working man I know, loves me more than anyone ever could, thinks I am beautiful even when I am not, and is truly a partner in life showing me the meaning of "no matter what, we will make it work."  My mother, my sisters, my brother, my brother in laws, my sister-in-laws, my nieces and nephews and cousins and all of my extended family.  The opportunity for education.  The roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in at my cozy new home I moved into this year.  The ability to work, regardless of how much or little money I make.  My dog who is neurotic and goofy and a little bit dumb, but is truly a member of our family.  Conversations at the kitchen table with my family and friends. Friendships that give me a second family and make me feel a little less alone in the world.  The kindness of friends and family.  Understanding. The freedom I have because I am an American citizen. Church and my faith in God, whose hand I have felt on my shoulder guiding me through life so much in the past 12 months. Unlocked doors which mean I might come home to unannounced visitors or I may be an unannounced visitor in someone else's home. Friday nights and Sunday mornings. Genuine laughter.  Sunshine. Forgiveness I have been given and have found.  And finally...my life... filled with love.   

188 Days Until Summer

Yesterday with the first flakes of snow falling from the sky, summer seems like a hundred years into the past or the future. I was personally confused about these flakes of snow thinking it was possibly dust flying out of my head to clear it from the crazy weekend, but it turned out that it was indeed snow.  As expected, Facebook was loaded with posts about the snow, but one comment caught my eye.  My best friend's daughter made a comment "189 days until summer!"  I responded by stating that makes it sound so far away.      With the positivity that only a 13 year-old could possess, she told responded back by telling me to "just do 189 crazy things, and it'll be over like thaaat!"  At my age, "crazy things" are a bit different than what they used to be.  Regardless of that, it got me thinking about fun things to do that will pass the time of these winter months, especially when many people suffer from seasonal depression.

Sit around a bonfire or in front of a fireplace drinking hot cocoa and eating s’mores. Add Bailey’s to the hot cocoa. Make snow angels. Go sledding.  Jump in a pile of raked leaves.  Spend the afternoon at the library. Spend an entire day in pajamas reading books. Have a Holiday movie marathon including “A Christmas Story”, “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and “It’s a Wonderful Life.”  Go to the Garden of Lights at the Botanical Garden.  Take your kids, grandkids or someone else’s kids to meet Santa at the mall.  Write letters to friends and/or loved ones who are in the military or overseas and will be away for the holidays.  Do the Polar Plunge.  Go for a ride on the back of a snowmobile.  Go to a tree farm where you can chop down your own Christmas Tree.  Play a board game with your family. Play Wii or Xbox Kinect games with your family.  Watch the Packers win more games. Spend the weekend at an indoor waterpark.  Dance in the rain or snow and sing at the top of your lungs.  Sing Karaoke.  Invite friends over to your house for a fondue dinner.  Buy a Christmas Gift for a less fortunate stranger.  Make up goofy new lyrics to all of the Christmas Carols you know and sing them at the top of your lungs.  Get a manicure, a pedicure, or a new hairstyle. Buy cheap Christmas ornaments at the Dollar Store and decorate them yourself in your own creative way.  Have a chili cook-off with your family and friends.  Put on a formal dress (prom dress, bridesmaid dress, wedding dress) and spend the entire day in it just walking around your house like a soap opera star.  Bake Christmas Cookies and get creative with your decorations and do a cookie exchange with friends. Do a “winter cleaning” day.  Buy a fur coat at Goodwill and wear it to the grocery store.  Shovel snow for a neighbor.  Have a snowball fight with your kids, your dog, your friends.  Build a Nativity scene or Christmas village out of popsicle sticks.  Go wine tasting on a Saturday afternoon. Make breakfast for dinner. Make dinner for breakfast.  Watch the sunrise on a wintry day. Watch the snow melt on a spring day. Spend the day in fuzzy slippers.  Wear a Santa hat.  Go ice skating.  Play laser tag. Make a fort with blankets in your living room.  Move your couch or loveseat into the kitchen. Have an indoor picnic.  Have an indoor picnic by candlelight. Go to Sam’s Club and try all of the free samples. Visit a museum.  Visit a local art gallery. Join a book club. Join a cooking class. Make a meal for someone who is extremely busy and deliver it to their home.  Write a Christmas Play and act it out (complete with costumes) and video record it.  Kiss someone under the mistletoe.  Write inspirational thoughts on post it notes and stick them all over someone’s house who needs cheering up. Make a snowman. Do a jigsaw puzzle. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in awhile and talk on the phone rather than just text or instant message. Throw a party with a “worst holiday sweater” contest/theme.  Build a snowman.  Knit a scarf.  Eat an icicle. Cut out snowflakes and hang them from your ceiling like you did in elementary school.  Write a short story, a long story, a song or a poem.  Go to a music store and try out all of the instruments.  Babysit for someone who desperately needs a night out… for free. Make someone laugh.  Make a photo book as a Christmas gift for someone special. Spend all day with your best friend just talking about anything and everything.  Laugh until you cry.  Cry until you laugh. Take a bubble bath.  Eat macaroni and cheese in the bubble bath. Volunteer for a cause you believe in. Clean out your closet and donate what you don’t want, need, or fit into to charity.  Go to the gym. Re-arrange your furniture.  Ask someone to be your valentine.  Drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day.  Kiss someone at midnight on New Year’s Eve.  Make a music video.  Make a parody commercial.  Learn to play guitar.  Take a horse and carriage ride.  Replace your regular lotion with suntan lotion so you smell like summer.  Have an indoor beach party.  Go downhill skiing.  Learn to ski.  Write a letter to Santa from your adult self.  Sing in church, at the top of your lungs. Dance with a stranger.  Hold hands.  Tell someone you love them.     

And lastly.... make your own winter "bucket" list! 

The Holidays Are Right Up The Aisle

Does it seem that immediately after Halloween, we skip directly to this Christmas mindset?  As I was (last minute) costume shopping for my Halloween, initially I was unable to find the Halloween Costumes.  Walking down the main aisle at Shopko all I could see was a beacon of Christmas lights and trees and decor.  I finally found the picked over Halloween aisle hidden next to scads of wrapping paper, Santa Claus decorations, and basic Christmas Bling!!! I probably should not judge considering when I moved into my new house on September 1st, my biggest worry while arranging my new living room furniture was deciding whether to put an end table in a certain corner because that was where the Christmas Tree would go.  I am enamored by the faux Christmas Tree I purchased last year simply because it is pre-lit.  For years everyone I know has had a pre-lit tree while I fought with stringing lights, burnt out lights, endless last minute trips to Family Dollar because strings of lights from last year had burnt out and running back because I didn't buy QUITE ENOUGH to cover the entire tree.  My Christmas tree toppers have included a half decapitated Angel that my daughter broke because she thought it was a toy,  crooked stars that just didn't sit right,  heavy objects that practically tipped tree over, and something that looked like a glittered elf hat which caused me to find glitter all over my house well into Summer!  

My point is, once again, I am just not ready for Christmas yet.  I haven't even decided how big of a turkey my sister needs to cook for Thanksgiving, or reminded her not to forget the stuffing and we don't want that stove top junk,  or busted her trying to pass off pumpkin pie from the Piggly Wiggly as her own just because she took it out of the plastic container (this required me searching thru her trash to find the covers because NO WAY did she bake that pie!)  This year Christmas might be even more difficult for our family because as long as my son Mack who has a ridiculously high metabolism gains the 9 pounds required, he is leaving for Air Force Basic Training on November 26th.  This means that he won't be with us for Christmas.  This would be the first Christmas ever that he was away from me and away from his twin brother.  I have tried to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, celebrating the birth of Jesus, in hopes that would help me find peace  with my son's absence for the Holiday, and it has helped me a bit.  Christmas to me is not about giving or receiving grandiose gifts, the real joy in Christmas is that it brings family together and as Jesus would want it, it is about LOVE.  With this in mind, I believe we may just have to turn November 22nd into a holiday trifecta of Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's all rolled into that one day.  Money is tight these days so no, that doesn't mean early gifts for my family, what it does mean is a whole day full of love and togetherness.  I am pretty sure we can pull it off!

Happy Holidays!

Broke as a Joke

I am sure many of you poor college students can relate to the title of this post.  Many of you are young, immediately out of high school, and expected this.  And others are like me, hit hard by the economy, probably spent a few years overspending, buying things you can no longer afford because the money seemed endless and the sky seemed to be the limit for what you could earn, achieve, purchase, and accomplish.  However, like me, you now realize you should have been smarter with your money.  You should have set some aside for a rainy day, or the day you lost your job.  Had you done this, you may not have ever seen your material possessions disappear into thin air, repossessed, foreclosed upon or sold to make way for a cheaper version that you could actually afford because of job loss or a pay cut.  But alas, the glass is NOT half empty.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  These material things, this money you may have once earned, which felt like a status symbol, are not the things by which we measure a person.  Because my friends, the best things in life are free.  What's really important in life are the things that we cannot put a price tag on... think of those Master Card commercials and the one item they list as "priceless." 

Back in my 20's I read a book called "The Broke Diaries" which was written by a young woman who went through a slew of low paying jobs and whose meals consisted mostly of Ramen Noodles.  Back then I could relate, as I was living on leftovers my then boyfriend/future husband brought home from his job cooking at the Olive Garden.  (It's only in the past few years that I am able to stand the sight of Breadsticks and Pasta Fagiol soup.)  Years passed and we were blessed with prosperity that made me say things like "As GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL NEVER EAT GENERIC MACARONI AND CHEESE AGAIN!"  As life tends to do, it has come full circle and I am once again checking the couch cushions for change the day before pay day.  And once again, I can relate to "The Broke Diaries."  I could write my own broke diary! Yet this time I am not crying about it, or waiting for prosperity and wealth to return.  This time I feel thankful for what I DO have.  A roof over my head,  a family who loves me (my 18 year old son bowing down at my feet the other night because I made those hot dog/cheese/crescent roll wraps - a comfort food of his childhood - to him this is better than a lobster dinner!),  friends who are there for me and always take care of my family (dropping off bags of what one calls "b*llsh!t food"  a/k/a junk food causing my husband to profess his love for these generous women as we have a buffet of chips and dips and muffins standing at our "furniture in a box" kitchen island snacking away), those friends giving me constant loans of $20 here and there until payday,  and God, who I feel closer to than I ever have before, has blessed me with a beautiful life and looking forward to all of my tomorrows.  

That being said, even if I do come into greater prosperity and wealth in the future, I will continue to live a simple life.  I don't have any great dreams of grandiose material possessions; I am content with what I have at this moment.  I would rather use any extra money I have to give back to others that may be going through what I am going through myself at this moment, and give back to those dear souls who have helped me through rough times.  I will live my life with a greater purpose and understanding.  And just as it is right now, the greatest "riches" in my life will be love.  

What Is A Friend?

What is a friend? Is it a BFF, a bestie, a sister from another mister or a brother from another mother?  A friend is someone with whom you share my random, often ridiculous, thoughts and moments.  When you speak, a friend will listen, with interest and give feedback, opinions, advice, encouragement and when you need it, a little bit of tough love.  A friend will remember EVERYTHING about you, good and bad, because a friend wants to know you well enough to ACTUALLY know you.  A friend can predict your actions and reactions as if they were her own.  When you are hurt, a friend will feel that hurt and keep you in her heart even if she is not with you.  A friend is the first person you want to share good news with and when you are happy and will share that happiness with you.  A friend will care about your family, your health, your MENTAL health, your career, you goals and aspirations.  If a friend only has $20, she will loan you $15.  A real friend will have your back, no matter what – even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with you, she will take your side. A friend gives you a sense of comfort in life and in her home, and has the same comfort in yours.  A friend never has to knock on your door; she is always welcome to walk right in. A friend will share their family, siblings and forever friends with you.  A friend never makes you feel like a third wheel.  A friend will open your eyes to things you may have never seen and expand your interests and open your mind.  A friend can make you laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh until you are almost crying, sharing your same warped sense of humor.  A friend will help you overcome obstacles and heartbreak and hurt, even if it just means just sitting next to you in silence for as long as you need her to.  Friends are not afraid to cry in front of one other.  They share secrets during the darkest hours and also on the finest days.  Friends might go to hell and back fighting for one another and WITH one another.  A real friend will call you at 10:00 at night to work out an argument or misunderstanding from earlier in the day because she doesn’t want you to go to sleep feeling bad.  You will never have to ask a true friend for help because she will know when you need it and offer it up before you even have a chance to ask. 

So when someone asks me “what is a friend?” - it isn’t a simple answer.  True friendship involves layers and layers of complex STUFF and hours of conversations about anything and everything. True friendship involves adventures and shenanigans and inside jokes and catchphrases and laughter and tears.  A true friend is the one person who can make you feel better when it feels like God has finally given you AS MUCH AS YOU CAN HANDLE.  A true friend is part of your “chosen family” and a true friend is rare, but if you are lucky enough to find one, that person will help you to feel a little less alone in this big, big world. 

The Greatest Country in the World

In the midst of this election year and all of the drama that has caused family and friends to engage in Facebook wars and arguments with one another, I wanted to share something that I found not only amusing but also inspirational.  Although I personally keep saying "Ron Paul 2012!" or "people like Obama and people like Romney, but I just like wine", I do have my own political views.  I have tried my best to express them in an adult appropriate manner.  However, it is very disheartening to me that many Americans have resorted to name calling and middle school type tactics to defend their "side".  No matter what I agree with or disagree with, I am open to listening to for the opinions and views of friends, family, acquaintances and strangers and I respect their point of view.

The link attached pokes a little bit of fun of both sides, but also shows how two people (celebrities at that) can come together and teach each other a little bit about the "other side".  It shows that we do not need to have a Civil War over a presidential election, we can still love and respect one another and sometimes we just have to agree to disagree.  This is the foundation on which America was built.  Differences and diversity are what makes this the greatest country in the world and makes me proud to be an American.  Though some of you might relate to Sean and some of you might relate to Bob, look into your heart and find the real message in this short film.  One Nation, under God, indivisible we stand.

Click on the link below to watch the film:
Americans - A Public Service Message by Kid Rock and Sean Penn

Going directly to the 12th Grade from Kindergarten

Recently a friend of mine purchased an iPhone.  I believe she may be the last person on the face of the Earth who did not own a smart phone.  In fact, it seemed as if she used the same flip-phone since 1999 and had no desire to upgrade.  I am not sure if this phone was military grade which meant it did not incur damages when dropped on concrete or water spilled on it, and how could she go that many years without ever losing it?  It is hard to believe that one person could just be THAT CAREFUL with their phone.  Or that this person never had any desire to possess a phone with applications for Facebook, You Tube, Google Maps Navigation, or Twitter.  How on Earth could she even travel anywhere without a Navigator to tell her the best way to get to Australia was via Kayak across the Pacific?  I am not even sure if this phone had a camera... and if it did, I am doubtful it had the capacity to send or receive a picture message.  This seemed almost unheard of to most of our friends.  It became a running joke to say things like "hey Lori, take a picture of this... ohhhh wait you don't have a smart phone!!!"

So finally after years of tolerating being given a hard time, she purchased her very first smart phone.  Apparently her motto is "go big or go home"  or maybe she figured she would make sure no one could ever make fun of her phone again because instead of starting with something simple and stepping up as we all have done over the years, she went for the Cadillac of smart phones and bought herself an iPhone!  (Literally this is comparable to trading in a Ford Pinto for a Cadillac!!)  Since her purchase she has learned some new curse words as she learns to operate this phone, randomly calling people without wanting to, learning the joys of auto correct causing her text messages at times to become completely confusing,  causing friends to run to the rescue to save this expensive phone from pouring rain, spilled drinks and general damage which all of us long term smart phone users have learned to avoid!  This isn't your momma's cellphone anymore!  The only other thing I can compare this too is going from kindergarten directly to 12th grade, and skipping all of the grades in between.  Considering that, she is not doing too bad.  It is nice to be able to send her a Facebook Message at any time and know she can actually read it from her phone.  Or not to worry that she is going to get lost on her way to Australia!

TGIF

I hesitate about using TGIF as the title of this blog post.  I dislike that acronym for reasons I am probably not even aware of.  For some reason every time I see TGIF in print it makes me think of Tony the Tiger and Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.  Don't ask me where this comes from, somewhere in the whirlwind vortex of my subconscious perhaps?  And even if it reminds me of that cartoon Tiger and a sugary breakfast cereal, why does that make me dislike the acronym?  I am taking a Psychology course this semester so that should give me some insight..... or not... My only guess is that my mom probably brought Frosted Flakes when they were on sale while I stood in the cereal aisle of the tiny IGA store in Crivitz and had a huge 4 year-old temper tantrum because I wanted Boo-Berry, and my 5 year-old sister had an identical tantrum because she wanted Count Chocula.  Those cereal box characters seemed much more appealing to me than this silly Tiger saying "THEY'RE GRRRREAAATTT!"  (Which was honestly a lie because they are not that great, unless your breakfast of choice is cardboard covered in layers of sugar and you don't care that by the time you reach my age you will have had extensive dental work resulting in less teeth in your head than fingers on your right hand.) 

That said, I am not going to shout out TGIF to my co-workers today, nor am I going to set it as my Facebook status, nor am I going to hashtag it on Twitter.  I WILL say that yes it's Friday, which is a sacred day in the lives of Monday through Friday workers all over the world.  On Friday you can get away with giving less than 100% at work.  On Friday, you can take an extra long lunch break.  On Friday, you do not have to feel guilty about sending personal emails.  On Friday, you can message your friends on Facebook and not feel the need to alt/tab to another screen or minimize the window every time on of your Ninja co-workers sneak up behind you.  On Friday, you can walk into your boss's office at 2 pm and say, "It's kind of slow today, would it be ok if I left early today?"  Truth is, the only thing that is truly slow is your own motivation. 

On this sacred Friday, I will likely do all of those things because I worked extra hard yesterday just to make sure I could.  I will leave work early today.  And I won't feel guilty that I went out for an impromptu 9pm drink last night after a "five minute warning" phone call from a friend that she was coming to pick me up and stayed up later than I should have. I will go home to see if my UPS delivery order from the jewelry party (which included some really strange moments and some kind of ceremony?) has arrived.  Later on, I will get together with a few of my friends to find out about their respective work weeks.  Although the one I am most anxious to hear of is from "Chelsea" who insisted "the last thing I want to do tonight is serve my own drinks to me and clean up after myself!"  This included a full job description of her Adventures in Babysitting Daycare where she and her business partner have glamorous moments of changing diapers, feeding kids with endless questions, sporting spit up in their hair and wiping boogers, the whole time getting wire hangers thrown at them.  We are sure going to have a lot to talk about tonight!  I hope she doesn't forget the wine sippy cup for me! 

A Little Piece about Peace and Contentment

Lately I have been feeling very content with my life.  Not in a comfortable stuck in a rut kind of way, but just content in a way that I feel more at ease in general.  (With myself, with the people in my life, with where I am at and where life has yet to lead me.)  Other than the random mishaps which somehow ONLY happen to me - such as mistaking a live bee on the floor for a piece of fuzz or a crumb and haplessly picking it up with my bare hand and realizing it is a bee once it stings me and my hand blows up to the size of a boxing glove - my life has been void of major drama.  Yet all of this leads me to question what exactly makes each and every one of us feel content.  Not that overwhelmingly happy WOO HOO I WON A FABULOUS ALL EXPENSE PAID VACATION TO ARUBA feeling, rather more of a feeling of general satisfaction in life.   The feeling where you wake up WITHOUT a looming sense of dread about the work day or school day or household chores.   Where did that feeling go?  Did it get lost with all of those socks that disappear leaving one lone sock to go it alone in life after a medium heat tumble dry?  Or did I just grow out of that negative sense of dread that once gripped my soul each time the alarm went off in the morning.  I sure didn’t win the lottery or get my own reality show or find the path to peace through a motivational speaker or a self-help book.  Yet, in the past month I just feel “better.”  Perhaps I sound like an individual who has suddenly found her way past great hardship or loss or a deep depression, but that’s not it either. 

Some people have great goals and aspirations in life that they strive toward on a daily basis.  I love to hear my friends and family speak passionately about the kind of life that they are working toward and what they intend to achieve. This inspires me.  However, in the past, I always felt that competitive need to have something just as good to share with them.  Trying to keep up with the big dreams and accomplishments of others as well as what others expect of me might be my biggest flaw.  Maybe old age or the wisdom of those around me has made me realize that each of us is different.  We all have different dreams.  Life is not a competition.  Life is not a marathon.  Right now life for me isn’t even a “mall walk.”   At this moment life has slowed down to a beautiful stroll through the woods on a fall day when I can feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.  My big dreams have become baby steps and simple moments.  My goals are to find something to smile about every morning, to surround myself with people who provide me with genuine laughter and good conversation, sometimes intelligent, sometimes just silly; to read a good book; to work hard and study hard – but not so hard that it consumes me; to become a better listener; to eat good food that is not always good FOR me; to drink a little bit of wine (ok really I was going to say GOOD wine, but anyone who knows me knows I like my $2.99 Walgreen’s Merlot); to NOT get angry about little things;  to savor every GOOD moment in life and burn it into my memory;  to live life with ease and peace and project that so others feel more at ease around me;  and to appreciate those priceless things that cannot be measured.  So maybe I will continue my career in the Paralegal field, as I get closer to graduation and beyond.  But maybe I will write a book or maybe I will just own a used bookstore/café.  Maybe I will retire on a beach and live out the rest of my days in a swimsuit and flip-flops.  Whatever I do, I will surround myself with love and positive energy and good people who enrich my life and as it does now, that will continue to bring me peace.  

If You Had No Obligations, What Would You Do?

A few days ago, a friend of mine who has been going through a bit of self-reflection recently, called me up and excitedly asked if she could read something to me, an essay she had written.  As she was reading it, I was so moved that I had goosebumps and tears in my eyes.  In a world where life is complex and we are constantly inundated with pressure to acquire material goods, it was powerful to read about a simpler kind of life.  I can relate to much of what is written in this essay because of the friendship I have with the author and the endless conversations we have had that have helped me view the recent changes in my own life as a positive step towards my own simpler way of life.  However, I also believe that others who read this will find something in this essay that they too can relate to, even if they don’t know the author.  My dear friend who wrote this has overcome obstacles, been through hardship, heartbreak, and faced challenges in life greater than many of us could ever imagine.  I am so proud of her for her growth as an individual and her enthusiasm, looking ahead toward her future. Today, I would like to share this essay with my blog readers.  Thank you Alicia for allowing me to share this on my blog.  I believe what is written below speaks for itself.

Life without Obligation

Written by Alicia Stiles

If life was as simple of as waking up each morning and saying to my-self “what would I like to do today?” without the obligation of our society’s idea of everyday life, I honestly believe I would change the world. I am not your typical student, with the goals of the average person, to get a degree in order to move up in the corporate ladder, save money for retirement, go off to some tropical paradise and wait for my body to deteriorate, and simply die, leaving my belongings behind to my children. I have a vision of a different world, a shift in consciousness of the human race. If I had the assets available to me, like money, time, and travel (or the ability to easily relocate myself) I would help to take so many people out of the heartache they spend their every moment in. Life is not about who has the biggest house, the nicest car, the best education, or fighting each other (to the death) to prove which political party stands for “what’s right!” Life is about togetherness. Socialism if you will but not socialism among one country, socialism among all the nations. With this being true, if I had no obligations in my own life I would be able to teach my thoughts to many other people allowing them to feel the spiritual freedom that I feel. With that being said, I honestly do not believe it is possible to be the person I want to be and create the change I would like to see in the world if I do not go through the struggles of everyday life that each person must endure. If I do not have to undertake the battles of fighting for what I want in life I will never be able to equate myself to the feelings of the general public that I hope to someday help to see their own reality in a different light.

There is a never ending darkness that plagues the people of generations that inhabit the earth currently. It is hunger, anger, defeat, power, helplessness, selfishness, the overall feeling of every man for himself. This is not the purpose to life and we will forever dwell in our own sorrows until we let go of the painful pleasures that have controlled and defeated our happiness for centuries.  The pain we feel as people comes from an absence of material or emotional feelings. Since the beginning of time, the majority of people in the world have set the principle of what we stand for, and what our goals are, or even what the purpose of life is. By centering our focus on wars, discrimination, materialism, allowing the weakest of mankind to suffer and go without, has allowed the majority of people to believe power and wealth are the purpose of life. Who has the ability to acquire the most possessions?  Who are the most attractive people with the ability to be with, what “group think” projects as the “most attractive” members of the opposite sex? These thoughts and feelings are what fuel the nations and allow for so much pain and torture in the hearts of many.

If I had the ability to spend each day dedicated to enriching my soul and growing my spiritual knowledge vs. the knowledge necessary to survive in our politically driven society I would be able to help so many people release themselves from the painful turmoil they feel from holding on to such integrated thoughts. In order to give my kids the life they deserve and the life that will allow them to be successful in the world at large, I must dedicate myself to standardize schooling and starting my own business that will generate revenue in order to ensure them a solid foundation of college and a chance at what we have all been taught is a “better life.”  If I had no children, I would not work to create a structure and foundation, in a, money driven, greedy community. I would live simply, choosing to educate myself with many different religions allowing my soul to strengthen and walk as a book of knowledge trying to release people from the manmade reality that consumes them. I had children at the very young age of 17 and 18 and only having been with the “one” boyfriend I had, a handful of times, I truly believe Katelyn and Noah have a purpose in life. Currently, I feel my purpose is to give them all the tools they will need to impact as many people as they come in contact with in their lives because three people have the capability to be so much more influential than one person. I believe life has played out this way because it forces me to connect with the commonality between humans. I do not think it is possible to connect with someone unless you understand them at an emotional level and have experienced the things they have gone through.

Through living life with my children and having to integrate into a culture I do not fundamentally agree with I have learned that I need to be able to connect with people on their own level or I will just come across as though I think I am “better than” the individual or group I would like to cultivate with better thoughts and ideas. I absolutely believe that this idea is vital to the success of helping a large portion of the world understand my point of view when I am able to finally share it. I do not think you can understand “happy” if you never feel “sad” or “hurt,” I believe you cannot really feel “love” until your heart is broken and you feel “the absence of love.” I think it is an adverse effect theory, if you do not understand the “negative,” or the bad feelings, your emotions have no competency to understand the corresponding, ”positive” or good feelings. I consider the same theory when I focus my energy on wanting to help humanity live for something better. If I do not understand their current purpose I will not be able to explain why it would be better any other way.

In conclusion, if I had no obligations in life, not a care in the world, I feel I would probably be a complete waste of space. I would take every moment for granted and live through complete greed and self-indulgence. Through hard work and perseverance, at some point in life, I will reach a place of great success which will allow me to take my focus off of the materiality that has controlled my life to this point. Until then I will continue to go through the motions of the positive and negative feelings and moment’s life brings my way. I will struggle financially and work as hard as I am able to, to create a foundation around me so that I may someday have the understanding and knowledge I need to impact many groups of people in many nations. Hopefully creating a shift in consciousness and opening the hearts of many people who will choose to give their life, the same way I choose to give mine. Ultimately creating the “Heaven on Earth” we as a human race long to embrace. 

9/11

On September 11, 2001,  I was 30 years old,  working in corporate America,  a little over two years into a job I would keep for over 8 years until downsizing and restructuring moved those jobs out of this city.  My daughter was just a few weeks past her 1^st birthday.  My twin sons were 7 years old, soon to be 8.  In 2001, Apple introduced the iPod, something we all think we cannot live without anymore.  Mountain Dew Code Red had just hit the shelves.  Gameboy Advance was a huge deal.  Low Rise jeans, Britney Spears, Halo, Bratz, “I Love the 80’s”,  reality TV such as Survivor and The Amazing Race,  Shrek, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, George W. ,  Microsoft X-Box, SpongeBob Squarepants, “Will and Grace” and Timothy McVeigh’s execution were just a few things we were talking about.  Dale Earnhardt, Joey Ramone, Perry Como, and Aaliya had passed away. 

On September 11, 2001 I went to work at 7:30 am just like any other day of my life, sat down in my cubicle and went about my business.  Before 8am news reports on my radio at my desk indicated that a small private plane had crashed into one of the towers of the World Trade Center.  A few minutes later we heard that another plane hit and reporters announced that they now knew this was not an accident and felt that America was under attack.  Then we heard about the plane crashing into the Pentagon.  And after that, the crash of United 93 in a field in Pennsylvania (after the brave passengers on that flight, to call them heroes would be an understatement,  knowing that their own death was inevitable, still stormed the cockpit to take over the hijackers to save the lives of countless others who that plane would have killed had it crashed into a building.) 

In the corporate world, we don’t often turn TVs on unless it is to watch a corporate training video,  or perhaps a videotaped speech of our CEO who was residing in another state.  Maybe, just maybe, if the company I was working for had a stunning new marketing campaign, we would get to watch a vegetable commercial.  But for the most part those TVs were simply attached to a video machine and stored in a closet.  Unlike some other businesses, we did not even have a television in the break room to watch soaps or talk shows during our lunch break.  For some reason that day, someone, and to this day I do not know who,  turned those TVs on so that if anyone wanted we could view the news of this tragedy, this act of terrorism.  The last time I had seen a TV turned on to a live news broadcast in a corporate setting was way back in 1995 when the O.J. Simpson Criminal trial verdict was read live on TV.  Despite what you might think,  I did not immediately get up from my cubicle to watch the news broadcasts.  I sat and stared at my name engraved into a nameplate, listening on the radio and imagined on this day how those people who worked in the World Trade Center woke up that morning, put on their business clothes, kissed their partner goodbye, sent the kids off to school and stopped to buy a way too expensive cup of coffee or breakfast sandwich.  Those men and women went up the elevator thinking “Damn, it’s only TUESDAY!”  Just like I did that morning.  Many of those people, just like me didn’t even have a cell phone at the time  and didn’t anticipate any reason to speak to their husband/wife/partner/children until they returned home that evening.  All I kept thinking is they are dying in that burning tower, some of them jumping out the windows, and their day started that started just like mine is forever changed.  Those they left at home or at the bus stop or at the train station that morning will forever be changed.  So when I got up from my office chair finally to use the restroom, I was walking by the boardroom and stopped to take a glimpse of the TV at the exact moment the first tower collapsed.  I was frozen in the doorway of that room.  I don’t know if I ever made it to the restroom. 

All I wanted to do was go home and hug my kids and my husband, call my mom and my sister and every single person I loved.  That evening, coming home to young children, they said their teachers talked to them at school, but it was still hard to explain.  As one of my boys said he was worried because “you work in a tall building”  - ok, it was only three floors, but at 7 years old that seems tall.  My daughter, my baby, had no idea what was going on, why we were all sitting in front of the TV while she continued to giggle and play and be her pleasant chunk of fun one year old self.  That night I prayed and though I hate to admit it, selfishly at first I thanked God that my people in my life were ok, safe in their beds.  But then I prayed that he would stay with those who needed him most – that were personally affected by this tragedy.  The children whose mother or father did not come home from work.  The pregnant mothers who knew the baby they were carrying would never see his or her father.  The husbands and wives and parents and brothers and sisters and parents of firefighters and policeman who had no idea if their loved one would return home that night.  The people who had THEIR people on those planes, and perhaps got one last phone call and then… nothing.

I think that day, that one day, our nation pulled together and became a unified nation.  We put our differences aside and we reached out to strangers in a way we probably never had before.  We became kinder and more open.  Though it was a horrific day, in some ways it brought our nation together.  On this day, eleven years later, we should try to remember that and not only try to be that kind of person again on this day,  but maybe every day of our lives.