TGIF

I hesitate about using TGIF as the title of this blog post.  I dislike that acronym for reasons I am probably not even aware of.  For some reason every time I see TGIF in print it makes me think of Tony the Tiger and Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.  Don't ask me where this comes from, somewhere in the whirlwind vortex of my subconscious perhaps?  And even if it reminds me of that cartoon Tiger and a sugary breakfast cereal, why does that make me dislike the acronym?  I am taking a Psychology course this semester so that should give me some insight..... or not... My only guess is that my mom probably brought Frosted Flakes when they were on sale while I stood in the cereal aisle of the tiny IGA store in Crivitz and had a huge 4 year-old temper tantrum because I wanted Boo-Berry, and my 5 year-old sister had an identical tantrum because she wanted Count Chocula.  Those cereal box characters seemed much more appealing to me than this silly Tiger saying "THEY'RE GRRRREAAATTT!"  (Which was honestly a lie because they are not that great, unless your breakfast of choice is cardboard covered in layers of sugar and you don't care that by the time you reach my age you will have had extensive dental work resulting in less teeth in your head than fingers on your right hand.) 

That said, I am not going to shout out TGIF to my co-workers today, nor am I going to set it as my Facebook status, nor am I going to hashtag it on Twitter.  I WILL say that yes it's Friday, which is a sacred day in the lives of Monday through Friday workers all over the world.  On Friday you can get away with giving less than 100% at work.  On Friday, you can take an extra long lunch break.  On Friday, you do not have to feel guilty about sending personal emails.  On Friday, you can message your friends on Facebook and not feel the need to alt/tab to another screen or minimize the window every time on of your Ninja co-workers sneak up behind you.  On Friday, you can walk into your boss's office at 2 pm and say, "It's kind of slow today, would it be ok if I left early today?"  Truth is, the only thing that is truly slow is your own motivation. 

On this sacred Friday, I will likely do all of those things because I worked extra hard yesterday just to make sure I could.  I will leave work early today.  And I won't feel guilty that I went out for an impromptu 9pm drink last night after a "five minute warning" phone call from a friend that she was coming to pick me up and stayed up later than I should have. I will go home to see if my UPS delivery order from the jewelry party (which included some really strange moments and some kind of ceremony?) has arrived.  Later on, I will get together with a few of my friends to find out about their respective work weeks.  Although the one I am most anxious to hear of is from "Chelsea" who insisted "the last thing I want to do tonight is serve my own drinks to me and clean up after myself!"  This included a full job description of her Adventures in Babysitting Daycare where she and her business partner have glamorous moments of changing diapers, feeding kids with endless questions, sporting spit up in their hair and wiping boogers, the whole time getting wire hangers thrown at them.  We are sure going to have a lot to talk about tonight!  I hope she doesn't forget the wine sippy cup for me! 

A Little Piece about Peace and Contentment

Lately I have been feeling very content with my life.  Not in a comfortable stuck in a rut kind of way, but just content in a way that I feel more at ease in general.  (With myself, with the people in my life, with where I am at and where life has yet to lead me.)  Other than the random mishaps which somehow ONLY happen to me - such as mistaking a live bee on the floor for a piece of fuzz or a crumb and haplessly picking it up with my bare hand and realizing it is a bee once it stings me and my hand blows up to the size of a boxing glove - my life has been void of major drama.  Yet all of this leads me to question what exactly makes each and every one of us feel content.  Not that overwhelmingly happy WOO HOO I WON A FABULOUS ALL EXPENSE PAID VACATION TO ARUBA feeling, rather more of a feeling of general satisfaction in life.   The feeling where you wake up WITHOUT a looming sense of dread about the work day or school day or household chores.   Where did that feeling go?  Did it get lost with all of those socks that disappear leaving one lone sock to go it alone in life after a medium heat tumble dry?  Or did I just grow out of that negative sense of dread that once gripped my soul each time the alarm went off in the morning.  I sure didn’t win the lottery or get my own reality show or find the path to peace through a motivational speaker or a self-help book.  Yet, in the past month I just feel “better.”  Perhaps I sound like an individual who has suddenly found her way past great hardship or loss or a deep depression, but that’s not it either. 

Some people have great goals and aspirations in life that they strive toward on a daily basis.  I love to hear my friends and family speak passionately about the kind of life that they are working toward and what they intend to achieve. This inspires me.  However, in the past, I always felt that competitive need to have something just as good to share with them.  Trying to keep up with the big dreams and accomplishments of others as well as what others expect of me might be my biggest flaw.  Maybe old age or the wisdom of those around me has made me realize that each of us is different.  We all have different dreams.  Life is not a competition.  Life is not a marathon.  Right now life for me isn’t even a “mall walk.”   At this moment life has slowed down to a beautiful stroll through the woods on a fall day when I can feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.  My big dreams have become baby steps and simple moments.  My goals are to find something to smile about every morning, to surround myself with people who provide me with genuine laughter and good conversation, sometimes intelligent, sometimes just silly; to read a good book; to work hard and study hard – but not so hard that it consumes me; to become a better listener; to eat good food that is not always good FOR me; to drink a little bit of wine (ok really I was going to say GOOD wine, but anyone who knows me knows I like my $2.99 Walgreen’s Merlot); to NOT get angry about little things;  to savor every GOOD moment in life and burn it into my memory;  to live life with ease and peace and project that so others feel more at ease around me;  and to appreciate those priceless things that cannot be measured.  So maybe I will continue my career in the Paralegal field, as I get closer to graduation and beyond.  But maybe I will write a book or maybe I will just own a used bookstore/café.  Maybe I will retire on a beach and live out the rest of my days in a swimsuit and flip-flops.  Whatever I do, I will surround myself with love and positive energy and good people who enrich my life and as it does now, that will continue to bring me peace.  

If You Had No Obligations, What Would You Do?

A few days ago, a friend of mine who has been going through a bit of self-reflection recently, called me up and excitedly asked if she could read something to me, an essay she had written.  As she was reading it, I was so moved that I had goosebumps and tears in my eyes.  In a world where life is complex and we are constantly inundated with pressure to acquire material goods, it was powerful to read about a simpler kind of life.  I can relate to much of what is written in this essay because of the friendship I have with the author and the endless conversations we have had that have helped me view the recent changes in my own life as a positive step towards my own simpler way of life.  However, I also believe that others who read this will find something in this essay that they too can relate to, even if they don’t know the author.  My dear friend who wrote this has overcome obstacles, been through hardship, heartbreak, and faced challenges in life greater than many of us could ever imagine.  I am so proud of her for her growth as an individual and her enthusiasm, looking ahead toward her future. Today, I would like to share this essay with my blog readers.  Thank you Alicia for allowing me to share this on my blog.  I believe what is written below speaks for itself.

Life without Obligation

Written by Alicia Stiles

If life was as simple of as waking up each morning and saying to my-self “what would I like to do today?” without the obligation of our society’s idea of everyday life, I honestly believe I would change the world. I am not your typical student, with the goals of the average person, to get a degree in order to move up in the corporate ladder, save money for retirement, go off to some tropical paradise and wait for my body to deteriorate, and simply die, leaving my belongings behind to my children. I have a vision of a different world, a shift in consciousness of the human race. If I had the assets available to me, like money, time, and travel (or the ability to easily relocate myself) I would help to take so many people out of the heartache they spend their every moment in. Life is not about who has the biggest house, the nicest car, the best education, or fighting each other (to the death) to prove which political party stands for “what’s right!” Life is about togetherness. Socialism if you will but not socialism among one country, socialism among all the nations. With this being true, if I had no obligations in my own life I would be able to teach my thoughts to many other people allowing them to feel the spiritual freedom that I feel. With that being said, I honestly do not believe it is possible to be the person I want to be and create the change I would like to see in the world if I do not go through the struggles of everyday life that each person must endure. If I do not have to undertake the battles of fighting for what I want in life I will never be able to equate myself to the feelings of the general public that I hope to someday help to see their own reality in a different light.

There is a never ending darkness that plagues the people of generations that inhabit the earth currently. It is hunger, anger, defeat, power, helplessness, selfishness, the overall feeling of every man for himself. This is not the purpose to life and we will forever dwell in our own sorrows until we let go of the painful pleasures that have controlled and defeated our happiness for centuries.  The pain we feel as people comes from an absence of material or emotional feelings. Since the beginning of time, the majority of people in the world have set the principle of what we stand for, and what our goals are, or even what the purpose of life is. By centering our focus on wars, discrimination, materialism, allowing the weakest of mankind to suffer and go without, has allowed the majority of people to believe power and wealth are the purpose of life. Who has the ability to acquire the most possessions?  Who are the most attractive people with the ability to be with, what “group think” projects as the “most attractive” members of the opposite sex? These thoughts and feelings are what fuel the nations and allow for so much pain and torture in the hearts of many.

If I had the ability to spend each day dedicated to enriching my soul and growing my spiritual knowledge vs. the knowledge necessary to survive in our politically driven society I would be able to help so many people release themselves from the painful turmoil they feel from holding on to such integrated thoughts. In order to give my kids the life they deserve and the life that will allow them to be successful in the world at large, I must dedicate myself to standardize schooling and starting my own business that will generate revenue in order to ensure them a solid foundation of college and a chance at what we have all been taught is a “better life.”  If I had no children, I would not work to create a structure and foundation, in a, money driven, greedy community. I would live simply, choosing to educate myself with many different religions allowing my soul to strengthen and walk as a book of knowledge trying to release people from the manmade reality that consumes them. I had children at the very young age of 17 and 18 and only having been with the “one” boyfriend I had, a handful of times, I truly believe Katelyn and Noah have a purpose in life. Currently, I feel my purpose is to give them all the tools they will need to impact as many people as they come in contact with in their lives because three people have the capability to be so much more influential than one person. I believe life has played out this way because it forces me to connect with the commonality between humans. I do not think it is possible to connect with someone unless you understand them at an emotional level and have experienced the things they have gone through.

Through living life with my children and having to integrate into a culture I do not fundamentally agree with I have learned that I need to be able to connect with people on their own level or I will just come across as though I think I am “better than” the individual or group I would like to cultivate with better thoughts and ideas. I absolutely believe that this idea is vital to the success of helping a large portion of the world understand my point of view when I am able to finally share it. I do not think you can understand “happy” if you never feel “sad” or “hurt,” I believe you cannot really feel “love” until your heart is broken and you feel “the absence of love.” I think it is an adverse effect theory, if you do not understand the “negative,” or the bad feelings, your emotions have no competency to understand the corresponding, ”positive” or good feelings. I consider the same theory when I focus my energy on wanting to help humanity live for something better. If I do not understand their current purpose I will not be able to explain why it would be better any other way.

In conclusion, if I had no obligations in life, not a care in the world, I feel I would probably be a complete waste of space. I would take every moment for granted and live through complete greed and self-indulgence. Through hard work and perseverance, at some point in life, I will reach a place of great success which will allow me to take my focus off of the materiality that has controlled my life to this point. Until then I will continue to go through the motions of the positive and negative feelings and moment’s life brings my way. I will struggle financially and work as hard as I am able to, to create a foundation around me so that I may someday have the understanding and knowledge I need to impact many groups of people in many nations. Hopefully creating a shift in consciousness and opening the hearts of many people who will choose to give their life, the same way I choose to give mine. Ultimately creating the “Heaven on Earth” we as a human race long to embrace. 

9/11

On September 11, 2001,  I was 30 years old,  working in corporate America,  a little over two years into a job I would keep for over 8 years until downsizing and restructuring moved those jobs out of this city.  My daughter was just a few weeks past her 1^st birthday.  My twin sons were 7 years old, soon to be 8.  In 2001, Apple introduced the iPod, something we all think we cannot live without anymore.  Mountain Dew Code Red had just hit the shelves.  Gameboy Advance was a huge deal.  Low Rise jeans, Britney Spears, Halo, Bratz, “I Love the 80’s”,  reality TV such as Survivor and The Amazing Race,  Shrek, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, George W. ,  Microsoft X-Box, SpongeBob Squarepants, “Will and Grace” and Timothy McVeigh’s execution were just a few things we were talking about.  Dale Earnhardt, Joey Ramone, Perry Como, and Aaliya had passed away. 

On September 11, 2001 I went to work at 7:30 am just like any other day of my life, sat down in my cubicle and went about my business.  Before 8am news reports on my radio at my desk indicated that a small private plane had crashed into one of the towers of the World Trade Center.  A few minutes later we heard that another plane hit and reporters announced that they now knew this was not an accident and felt that America was under attack.  Then we heard about the plane crashing into the Pentagon.  And after that, the crash of United 93 in a field in Pennsylvania (after the brave passengers on that flight, to call them heroes would be an understatement,  knowing that their own death was inevitable, still stormed the cockpit to take over the hijackers to save the lives of countless others who that plane would have killed had it crashed into a building.) 

In the corporate world, we don’t often turn TVs on unless it is to watch a corporate training video,  or perhaps a videotaped speech of our CEO who was residing in another state.  Maybe, just maybe, if the company I was working for had a stunning new marketing campaign, we would get to watch a vegetable commercial.  But for the most part those TVs were simply attached to a video machine and stored in a closet.  Unlike some other businesses, we did not even have a television in the break room to watch soaps or talk shows during our lunch break.  For some reason that day, someone, and to this day I do not know who,  turned those TVs on so that if anyone wanted we could view the news of this tragedy, this act of terrorism.  The last time I had seen a TV turned on to a live news broadcast in a corporate setting was way back in 1995 when the O.J. Simpson Criminal trial verdict was read live on TV.  Despite what you might think,  I did not immediately get up from my cubicle to watch the news broadcasts.  I sat and stared at my name engraved into a nameplate, listening on the radio and imagined on this day how those people who worked in the World Trade Center woke up that morning, put on their business clothes, kissed their partner goodbye, sent the kids off to school and stopped to buy a way too expensive cup of coffee or breakfast sandwich.  Those men and women went up the elevator thinking “Damn, it’s only TUESDAY!”  Just like I did that morning.  Many of those people, just like me didn’t even have a cell phone at the time  and didn’t anticipate any reason to speak to their husband/wife/partner/children until they returned home that evening.  All I kept thinking is they are dying in that burning tower, some of them jumping out the windows, and their day started that started just like mine is forever changed.  Those they left at home or at the bus stop or at the train station that morning will forever be changed.  So when I got up from my office chair finally to use the restroom, I was walking by the boardroom and stopped to take a glimpse of the TV at the exact moment the first tower collapsed.  I was frozen in the doorway of that room.  I don’t know if I ever made it to the restroom. 

All I wanted to do was go home and hug my kids and my husband, call my mom and my sister and every single person I loved.  That evening, coming home to young children, they said their teachers talked to them at school, but it was still hard to explain.  As one of my boys said he was worried because “you work in a tall building”  - ok, it was only three floors, but at 7 years old that seems tall.  My daughter, my baby, had no idea what was going on, why we were all sitting in front of the TV while she continued to giggle and play and be her pleasant chunk of fun one year old self.  That night I prayed and though I hate to admit it, selfishly at first I thanked God that my people in my life were ok, safe in their beds.  But then I prayed that he would stay with those who needed him most – that were personally affected by this tragedy.  The children whose mother or father did not come home from work.  The pregnant mothers who knew the baby they were carrying would never see his or her father.  The husbands and wives and parents and brothers and sisters and parents of firefighters and policeman who had no idea if their loved one would return home that night.  The people who had THEIR people on those planes, and perhaps got one last phone call and then… nothing.

I think that day, that one day, our nation pulled together and became a unified nation.  We put our differences aside and we reached out to strangers in a way we probably never had before.  We became kinder and more open.  Though it was a horrific day, in some ways it brought our nation together.  On this day, eleven years later, we should try to remember that and not only try to be that kind of person again on this day,  but maybe every day of our lives.  

Last Semester??? Maybe Not

Yesterday I received an email from NWTC Admissions indicating that I was between 1 and 6 credits away from graduation.  I was confused thinking I would graduate in December.  I had not met with an advisor since my first semester, but felt confident I was choosing all of the classes for the degree requirement in my Paralegal program.  I checked my degree progress report which showed I had taken or was enrolled in every required course, however in red letters it said I was not eligible to graduate because I was 3 credits short.  I confirmed this with my advisor.  If I choose to graduate in December I must sign up for an accelerated course that would count as my elective course yet this semester.  Anyone who knows me will probably tell you that at times I can be a know it all. (No REALLY I KNOW IT'S SHOCKING!!!) - so when I was choosing classes I figured this elective class thing was simply an option.  I thought it didn't matter if I took it, but you know if I wanted to learn basket weaving or torture myself with some sort of Business Math class now that I passed Accounting for Idiots with an A and consider myself in the running to be the next CFO of General Mills, I had that option.  I thought it was simply an option.  Moral of the story kids... TALK TO YOUR ADVISOR!! Make sure each semester you monitor your degree progress and consult with your advisor about what you need to take so that you truly know you will graduate when you will.  As I do with everything, I waited until the eleventh hour, when I got this email to consult with my advisor.  What was I thinking???

I do have some very ancient college credits that MIGHT transfer.  I am waiting to hear back from my advisor about those.  When I started at NWTC I never had those colleges send the official transcript to NWTC because I knew only one of those classes, English Comp, would transfer to meet my program requirements.  Since I took that class way back in 1990 - 150 years ago - I thought it best to re-take it at NWTC anyhow.  Times have changed since my original college experience.  Al Gore has invented the Internet, so we no longer need to pore through stacks of actual books in the library to do research - ok unless you are in Legal Research class, which in addition to online research tools, teaches us what they call in my law firm "old man research" - just in case of a complete crash of all technology, and this is truly a good thing! Point is, teaching and writing has advanced, so I felt it would be beneficial for me to take that English Comp class again in modern times.  Regardless, I am checking with my advisor to see if I get the official transcripts, might any of those old school credits transfer?  Possibly... but then again maybe they are just too old to be any good. If they don't, you might just see me sitting next to you in some random class next semester - basket weaving, photography, wine-making, welding, any suggestions are welcome!

Back to School

My last weekend of summer was spent moving.  In fact, the weekend before was spent moving my son to Milwaukee, to be followed by an entire week of moving the rest of our household and belongings. Needless to say, it was not exactly the end of summer celebration that I may have had in years past.  But we accomplished a lot.  Thanks to the help of family and friends, we had help lifting heavy things,  furniture in a box was put together, dishes put away and pictures hung on the walls.  Which brings us to today, the first day of school, not only for my daughter who is in 7th grade, but my son who starts college classes at MSOE today.  This morning I only had one child at home getting ready for school (her brother who will soon leave for the Air Force was still sleeping and the other getting himself ready in a city a few hours away),  only one child to drop off.  As a mother of twins, this was the first time in 13 years that I only had ONE child to prepare for the first day.  My daughter Rachel is an old soul who is not only easily adaptable to change (The move was a breeze for her. She had her room set up within ten minutes of her furniture arriving), but is very independent.  For a child who I used to call the little tornado or Messy Martha due to her mess of crafting creations scattered all over her room,  I am impressed.  She has suddenly become this little adult who has it all together, much more than her mommy does.  This morning was a breeze compared to years past, but bittersweet realizing even my youngest child is a fully self sufficient mini adult at the age of 12! 

Tonight I have my own first day of a class called Legal Aspects of Business Organization, so I will miss picking her up from school.  She will walk home on her own, get into the house with her own keys, and likely have all of the papers organized that I am required to sign by the time I get home at 8pm tonight.  So much has changed over the past few months, and I have had many tears about missing what once was.  But today I am not only ready to get into a new routine myself, but begin a new chapter of my life, which is hopefully as good as the last one.

Happy day after Labor Day!